Tagged with "184th"
August 26th Tags: 184th entry

August 26th.

                It’s sort of nerve wracking being the messenger for a dead man.  Especially when you’re delivering serious news about love and life.  I am sitting here remembering how scared shitless I was to talk to Cassie that night in the strip club and I am starting to think there is a pattern emerging.  I am a giant pussy when it comes to girls.

                A few days ago I took Abby for a long walk around campus to check on the wall, and tell her about the dream I had with Gavin.  I sat her down at the top of the berm wall with our feet dangling, looking into the forest to the north of campus, right near maintenance.  We talked about all manner of issues, and after being really practical talking about security, and various mundane issues, I flat out asked how she was doing.

                She played tough.  She said she was fine, couldn’t be better, etc.  I let her put up the show, and after she was done explaining just how bulletproof she was, I called her out.  I mentioned she had to still be messed up over Gavin, and I knew the whole Mike/her mom issue was messing with her.  She got really quiet, and didn’t say anything for a few minutes.  I let her have a moment, and then I added that I was worried, and that I knew she missed Gavin, and that I felt Patty had handled the Mike thing wrong, and that she had every right to be pissed off at a large amount of people.  Never mind the whole issue of being shot at multiple times, and the constant work level and stress we exist under.

                I tried to explain that I cared for her, and that I wanted to make sure she knew she could talk to me.  She looked up with those damn wet eyes, and then I got all emotional, and she slid next over next to me, and the two of us had a good old cry.  God I can’t stand being a fucking pussy.  Why is it that I just melt lately?  I’m such a wreck.

                It doesn’t help that I love that girl to death now, and anytime she’s hurt, it’s like my own blood is running free.  I’ve never been a father, but I suspect the feeling is damn similar. 

                She was pissed at her mom.  That was the real issue.  She felt her mom had been lying to her for some time, and the evidence points to a certain amount of that being damn well true.  I don’t think Patty was being malicious, I just think she was afraid of hurting Abby, and this was the result.  Abby wasn’t so much pissed that her mother had found someone other than her father, it was more the idea of being deceived by her lone surviving family member.  It also didn’t help that Patty still hadn’t really talked to her about it, despite Abby making some awkward attempts at starting the conversation.

                I told her I’d try to talk to Patty about it, and Abby said don’t bother.  I agreed that I wouldn’t.  Abby wants her mother to come to her on her own, not after I prompt her to do it.  Can’t say that I blame her.

                After we got that off the plate, I told her all about the dream.  I tried to make it easy to take, but as soon as I told her I had a dream the other day, she perked up.  She knew about the first dream where I saw Gavin.  I told her Gavin said that he loved her, and that sent the both of us back in to pansyland where it’s always raining tears.  She knew he’d say that.  I also told her that he wanted her to be happy, and to not wait around for him.  He didn’t want her to be lonely.  She shook her head predictably, saying she’d love him forever.

                I told her she could still love him, and be with another person, and love them too.  Sometimes the memory of what was keeps us stranded in the past, wishing and hoping for things to go back to the way they were.  Unfortunately, the past is the past, and if we aren’t living for the present, informed and taught by the past, then there isn’t a lot of hope.  I love Cassie.  I will always love Cassie.  I made my mistakes with her, and I can’t ever make them quite right again, but I need to move on, and be happy with who I’m with now. 

                I explained all that to Abby, and she seemed to take it all and dismiss it.  I just hope she understands that it isn’t betrayal to love again.

                After our hour or two chat in the evening we headed back inside.  The fucking mosquitoes were horrifying anyway.

                Yesterday Martin and I led a team outside the wall to hit the safehouse to take it down, scour the area nearby for scrap metal, restock MGR, and hit another house to remove solar panels.  Amazingly, we did all of that and got it done in a reasonable amount of time.  We did head out early, which gave us a nice head start on the day, but I think we rolled back over the bridge around 7pm. 

                I do need to check in with Blake on our fuel situation.  He has unofficially taken over the responsibility of monitoring it as we refuel the vehicles, so he’s the guy to ask.  I know with our runs to the warehouse as well as the plumbing shop, but Martin’s constant need for panels and metal and whatnot, we’re eating away at diesel like a mother fucker.  It might be a good time to fill that damn water truck up with diesel fuel and stash it away somewhere so we have a nice reservoir on hand should something happen.  We might also need a gasoline run from the gas station downtown.  Frankly, it might be a good idea to find some kind of mass storage and just drain every drop out while we can.

                If the Outsiders are going to steal anything that’ll hurt us, it’ll be the fucking gasoline left in the few service stations in town.  It makes a lot of sense right now to hit those places, empty them the fuck out, and save ourselves a lot of hassle later if they’re drained by the Outsiders.

                The safehouse hadn’t been touched by anything.  There were two undead milling about in the back yard that Hector put down with the stock of his M4, and other than that, nothing of note.  The water and food was still there, as was our radio.  We took the sign, and before you knew it, it was like we were never there.

                Mike and Patty were good at MGR after we removed a house’s panels.  Oh, that went well too.  Nothing of note.  MGR had three or four undead out and about nearby, and when we realized we hadn’t really accumulated any scrap metal to bring back, we elected to remove the bodies from the street so there was less of a sign that we were occupying MGR.

                Nasty ass work.  Once the bodies start to rot they get heinous.  Rubber gloves, bleach, and vomit were the order of the day.  It makes me not want to remove or deal with all the dead bodies scattered around town.  There are a lot of them too.  Shit, just near the clinic there has to be a hundred in the fucking road.  I’m thinking we evacuate, and nuke them from orbit.

                Kill them with fire, I think is the phrase.

                At some point we will need to address the issue of the bodies, but it isn’t critical, and it is an unnecessary risk at the moment.  I can just see the nightmare scenario of what would happen if three or four people were killed or captured while on body cleanup duty.  I’d be strung up for making that call.  Now yesterday’s case of us already being at MGR is different.  We were out, and it makes tactical sense to clear those bodies away.

                When we returned we threw them on the pyre spot, and got the fire going again.  More vomit, lots of gross smoke, and a few stiff drinks later and everything was alright.

                Today was boring.  Not gonna lie.

                I didn’t want to clear Martin to travel outside the wall again, despite him being really antsy to go.  His wife Julie has been bitching about the constant days he’s outside not with her, and not with little Chester, who isn’t getting any smaller.  I told Martin to chill with his family, and give everyone else the day off.

                The past few days have seen Ryan building like a goddamn stoner high as a kite.  He’s got a handful of hydro setups made already, and at the rate he’s going, with the help he’s getting, he’ll have everything set up and fully operational in a few weeks.  What does bother me, is that when Abby and Becca aren’t hanging out, Becca has been hanging with Ryan.  Now I am not saying that Ryan is below my sister, but if he touches her, I’ll murder him and find someone else to maintain the hydro gear.

                Sorry, but I have to draw the line somewhere.  She’s my little sister.  Nothing touches her vagina while I am on watch.

                Sorry Becca.  Rules are rules.

                What else?  Still no evidence regarding the arsonist.  No other murders or suicides either, which doesn’t prove or disprove that the asshole(s) are here or not.  I don’t know what else to do about it.  Maybe the dickhead is just biding his time until the perfect moment to strike to totally fuck us over.  If he’s working for evil, then that makes a lot of sense eh?

                We’ve got several irons to put in the fire.  On campus here we’re working the farming aspect hard.  Ollie brought up at dinner earlier that we NEED a barn for winter, and if we’re going to get the fucker built, we need to start right damn now.   I told him to start asking for volunteers and to see if anyone had carpentry skills.  We don’t need anything fancy, just decent.

                We need gasoline I bet, and we should stock up on diesel.  Martin still needs scrap metal, and we need to remove and install more solar panels.  I really want to come up with some kind of a plan regarding the Outsiders if they continue to interact with us in an aggressive manner.  The more I try to fall asleep at night, the more I’m kept up by the idea that those fuckers might have slaves working at their “Factory.”  It’s also personal.  They nearly kidnapped my sister, and sister in law, and there’s would’ve been hell to pay had that happened.  I’m nearly in the mind that there should be hell to pay on principal.

                If I do anything, I really want to do it small.  Two, maybe four of us, moving quietly, like my initial Westfield work.  Once Caleb is good to go, I’d like to take him.  We hunted for years as kids, and I know he saw action in Afghanistan when he was in the Corp.  He’s a legit combat veteran, and I trust him.  Maybe Hector and Blake too.  If we roll hard and quiet, we can play the guerilla game too.  Take a few potshots here and there, drop a few fuckers when they aren’t expecting it, and we’ll have those assholes running all the way to Idaho before they know it.

                Two can play the dirty game.

                Speaking of Caleb and my family, they’re doing well.  Adam is fattening up nicely, as is Sophie and Becca.  Caleb hasn’t put weight on at all, but he’s healing two large gunshot wounds which takes a fairly substantial amount of calories and time.  I’m guessing he’ll be up and around doing things normally as opposed to with that dame grampy cane in ten days or so.  Then, I shall put his lazy wounded ass to work.

                Also, Chris’ arm is mending nicely, but he’ll be in a cast for some time.  All those breaks is a bitch, but Doc Lindsey said it’s healing well.  Chris seems really frustrated.  He’s put weight back on because he can’t do shit around campus physically.  I know he was pudgy before, and I shudder to see the kid fatten up again.  It’ll destroy the small amount of self esteem he’s created since the end of the world.

Strange to think that.  How all this bad can make someone feel better about themselves.  But, it’s a weird world, and some folks thrive under stress and pressure.

I’m off, it’s been a long ass day.  No plans yet for tomorrow.  I think I’m gonna shove Otis off the bed here so I can fool around with Mallory.  It’s been a few days since I got my dick wet, and I’m overdue.  Feeling that itch Mr. Journal.







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