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February 9th, 2012 Tags: 259th entry

February 9th.

                I think Michelle was right.  She’s rarely wrong.  I’m not saying she was right simply because she’s rarely wrong, that should be clarified.  She’s right because she’s right.  I’ve never given myself closure on the whole Cassie thing.

                I need to move on.  I need to forgive myself.  I need to understand that despite my mistake that day, I am a person that deserves to enjoy his life.  I deserve to love again.  I deserve to give Cassie’s memory rest and peace if only in my own mind. 

                I just don’t know how to go about doing that.

                It’s on my mind now though.  On my radar like a goal for Bastion.  Something I WILL achieve, not something I will discard.

                What does throw me for a hardcore loop is the whole “I’m supposed to fall in love with you” story Michelle gave me.  I haven’t slept good since that night, and I haven’t really seen her either.  She’s been avoiding me, and I’ve been avoiding her.  I don’t think she ever intended to tell me about that, and in her alcohol haze it came out.

                Mindfuck, am I right?  Like, serious fuck with your head bullshit.  I look at her in an entirely different light now.  I used to think she was pretty, and intelligent, and warm and caring and wholesome and all those things that I see as unattainable now.  I see her as someone that I could ruin, instead of someone that could make me a better person in the long run.  I don’t see her as someone I could make happy.

                That’s how my mind works now. 

                God I’m really fucked up.  Like legitimate head case bullshit.  As if I didn’t have enough shit to think about, now I am nearly obsessed with finding out if being with her is a possibility.  It’s the first thing I’ve thought about when I open my eyes in the morning, and I think about it late into the night when I try to fall asleep.

                Do I have a fucking crush now?  Is that what this is?  Jesus.  How old am I?

                I can’t let this get in the way of getting things done.  As much as it would be amazing to be… intimate with her, I can’t let my physical and emotional needs get in the way of being a good leader here.  I have too many people relying on me, and too many decisions to make.  Too many other people to let down.

                I wonder how I’ll get closure on Cassie.  Do I need to go… find her?  I mean fuck.  Our tiny foray into the city the other day came out way in the black, but hell, it could’ve done really fucking south, really fucking quick.  A real trip to the center of the city to the office building she worked at to try and find her would be a goddamn logistical nightmare that’d require every ounce of manpower we could bring to bear to accomplish.

                And for what?

                So I can sleep better at night and get my dick wet without having a gigantic fucking guilt trip?  Yeah that’ll fly when I explain it to people here.  It’ll be like a wet fart in the middle of a fucking funeral service.  I’ll be walked out the back by a bunch of angry men who sodomize me to prove a point.

                Sigh.  I need to put serious mental effort into figuring out how exactly to do that without being treated like a selfish moron.

                Can’t worry about THAT trip into the city right now.  I need to worry about the trip that’s necessary at the moment.  We need far more medical supplies, and the only place that we can think of is the hospital in the city.  It’s near the college where Becca went, and it’s on the far side of the city.  We could skirt it the same way we did to get to the pharmacy near the airport, and according to our people who have been there post-that day, we’ve got a fairly decent and attainable route.

                I should say that our sick folks are now much better, but it took a LOT of the fluids we obtained to get them there.  We’re still what Ethan and Joel describe as being “dangerously low” on bags, and they’re being pretty insistent that we get a move on to get some more.  All of our sick are now off the drips, but if we get a strong hit of that bug again, or we have some folks badly injured we’re going to be bent over and on short notice to get unfucked.

                So we’re formulating a plan to head into the hospital.  Tomorrow we’re sitting down and starting to look at maps to make a planned route in, as well as setting up areas as “noise traps.”  We want to use a similar idea to the radio on the traffic light to draw them out and away from the hospital.  We aren’t quite sure if one will be enough, so we’re going to do some measurements on how sound carries tomorrow to see if we need to set up multiples.  That’ll draw extra trouble our way though, but it might be less trouble than not setting up these traps.  Plus, we can roll up to these noise areas after we’re done (assuming we aren’t running at top speed for our lives) and lay down some HEAVY lead to put the entire mob listening to whatever music we’ve got playing down for the count.

                Distraction and organization for more efficient removal.  Now if we could figure out a way to kill them without wasting serious ammunition, that’d be great.  Unfortunately, fragmentation weaponry is not that effective, nor is fire.  Launching a series of grenades into the crowd will likely knock a bunch of them around but not kill them.  You see shrapnel usually kills by doing internal damage to organs and blood vessels.  Most folks don’t die in a bombing or explosion due to head wounds.  It’s either lacerations to organs, or tremendous overpressure that ruptures your shit.  Zombies laugh at that crap.  Kevin said they did extensive testing in England while they were there.

                Fire as I’ve clearly explained sucks balls for pretty much the same reason.  Fire doesn’t destroy the brain nearly fast enough, and you’re left with an enormous crowd of zombies that are now on fire.  Clearly a “less than” situation.  Now if we had something like a… MOAB, or even just a handful of 105mm artillery shells that we could detonate right on top of the motherfuckers, we’d be in a different boat.  That’d cause enough overpressure to crack skulls and kill these bastards.  Sadly… the collateral damage to structures nearby would be high, but it’s not like we’re going to be using these city buildings any time soon.

                I’ve got the brain trust working on a more efficient kill solution than “spray and pray with the SAWs.”

                Once we have a solid plan in place, we will put it into action, and head into the city once more to secure more medical supplies for Bastion.

                If that goes well, I’ll be far more informed about a trip to find closure.

                To find Cassie.

                In the meantime… I need to stay occupied so I stop thinking about a certain blonde woman that I am supposed to be falling in love with.





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